Recovering from a Sociopath

I broke up with my boyfriend in September.

It wasn’t until Christmas that I started to realize how callous he was toward me.

Now, I am pretty sure he is a sociopath.

Today on Christmas I am alone. I don’t miss him, but I’m thinking of him. I’m thinking about how stupid I must have been to stay with him. To get back together with him last winter.

I wanted to see the best in him. I loved him.

More than that, I loved the person that I was with him.

I hadn’t been in a long term relationship in years. I saw the red flags- his history of violence, lack of treatment for his depression, dependence on marijuana in the way that I, a recovering addict myself, related to, being high constantly throughout the day.

As we continued to date he mentioned other things in passing that concerned me. He never said I love you back.

Finally I broke up with him, but when he reached out a week later, we were back together. Almost immediately things were back to how they were, but worse.

Every little thing I did wrong, he acted extremely offended by. I felt like I was the bad guy all the time.

Slowly my self esteem dwindled.

He never complimented me, although he always complimented himself. He had a love/hate relationship with himself. He said he hated himself but he was obsessed with himself.

He never came to my house during the pandemic. He didn’t help me move. I drove 45 minutes to his place once or twice a week, often to have him playing video games and not even come to the door.

He got a wonderful dog toward the end of our relationship. Once I spilled the dog bowl and he snapped at me. Just one example of the many times he snapped at me when I was trying to do something nice.

But I couldn’t break up with him. Not until I really hit my bottom and there was nothing left to stay for. Even though for months there hadn’t been anything left to stay for.

I was an irritation to him. I was in the way. That’s how he acted. If he was so annoyed with me, why didn’t he just break up with me? Did he just like having someone to control? Someone to snap at? Someone to berate? Sometimes I think so. I don’t know why else he would have stayed.

I am so grateful I got out of that relationship but I’m sad that now I have become the bitter person that I was before I started dating him originally.

He was so sweet to me when we first met. He is nice to all strangers and acquaintances. Just not to me. The nicer I was to him, the worse he was to me.

I wish I could believe in love. I wanted to keep trying with him because I really believed there was good in him. Even Darth Vader turned good in the end.

And when I broke up with him, I didn’t have hate in my heart. I think I was still clouded by the previous year of him manipulating me into thinking that I was at fault.

Slowly, it has become clear how hostile he was toward me and how little empathy he really had. How selfish he was. And that makes me sad and angry. It makes me afraid to try again.

Everyone else in my life saw it and I didn’t want to admit it because I didn’t want to be where I am right now- bitter, angry, and not believing in love. I knew it would happen eventually. So, here I am. Don’t say “I told ya so”. Please don’t say that. I know. I always knew. I just needed to have my own experience. And I did, I had it. And this is where I am now. Back to hating couples, hating love, hating fucking Christmas.

RIP to the part of me that fell in love with a sociopath and thought I could turn him good. I’m like fucking Padme, bitch.